ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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