What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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