I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize