Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
