I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize
