I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
