did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
