Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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