The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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