i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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