Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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