It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
