I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
