sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
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Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
