my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
