so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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