I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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