I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
