I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
