I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
