I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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