girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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