Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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