Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
