He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
