Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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