The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
