you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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