Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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