Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize