I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
