so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
