just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Hello my rib-scented angel!
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
