Who wears a wallet chain?!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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