Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize