Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
