that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
