So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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