all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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