I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
