i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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