your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
