she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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