I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
