census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
