I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
