if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My cat gives me a boner
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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