Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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