anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
