so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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