What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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