how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
