You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
