This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize