I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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