Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
