I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
