whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
