I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
