I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I want you more than these girls want KFC
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
